Sow Quality Time with Your Spouse and Reap Secure Children

Ever have a child scream when you leave and dissolve into hysterics? Ever have a child that refuses to sleep in their own bed? Ever wonder what you did to bring this on? There is a theory that a child's security issues can stem from how much quality time, or lack there of, that you have with your spouse. I didn't believe it the first time I read it either. That was back in 1996 when Olivia was 20 months old and getting out of her bed every night to sleep on our floor. We left a sleeping bag on the floor just for that purpose. I was pregnant with our 6th at the time I heard about this theory, and I was desperate to try anything that might keep her in bed and more time with my husband didn't sound like such a bad idea either.

John and I had enrolled in a class called Growing Kid's God's Way and the first few lessons all centered around the solid foundation of your marriage. They introduced this concept called "couch time".  Basically it is when you set aside a time shortly after your husband first gets home where he devotes all his attention to you and you him. The dad greets the children, gives them love and then informs them he is going to spend some time talking to mommy, and they should go play quietly and then he will spend some time with them. If the children interrupt, there should be consequences so they will get the idea that this is an important time for mom and dad. They shared testimonies of how children started sleeping through the night and stopped throwing fits when their parents left. I was sold. John and I determined to give it a try. Now we had fairly obedient children, so I really didn't think  we would have a problem, but what I didn't count on was how possessive my children had become of their father's immediate attention. John did a lot of disciplining those first few weeks, but eventually they got the idea. And guess what else, I wasn't used to having my husband's undivided attention when he first walked through the door. At first I couldn't think of what to say, and our time seemed awkward and stilted. Good thing we had people holding us accountable, and we kept having "couch time" (although it took place at the kitchen bar). I learned to be purposeful in my conversation with my husband and not just reactive to circumstances. My children also learned that the world didn't revolve around them and surprisingly Olivia started sleeping in her own bed. She still had separation issues when we left her for a date night. Those continued until she was 3. However, none of the other children ever experienced them.  Sometimes it is just part of their personality to be a little more apprehensive, but we didn't cater to it, and she eventually learned how to comfort herself. I knew I was leaving her in good hands so I didn't stress about it. Although, I did feel sorry for some of my sitters.

So that said, the first "good thing" I would like to teach you is to make sure you have time with your spouse daily with an occasional date night thrown in for good measure. Learn to really talk to your spouse like you did when you were pursuing each other. It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes, but it should be when the children are awake, and it should be pretty soon after his arrival home. Now I can just imagine some of you saying, "but my child is too young to be left unattended." Give them something to do within your eye sight or if really little put them in a confined space ( i.e. crib) for the few minutes you have set aside. Keep in mind what you are hoping to reap from this, and it will make it easier to leave them. Your child is not going to be hurt, but surprisingly they will be helped. All I can say is it works, and I am not the only one who has tried it with success. Your children will be more secure because the foundation of your marriage will be growing stronger through the effort you put into it.

Recently I had a group of young women make a list of questions they wanted me to answer the next time we sat down to dialogue.  This particular group always challenges me and gets me thinking. One of the questions on that list was what principles do I live by. Good question. One of the main principles that governs my life is the principle of sowing and reaping. John and I are very careful about what we sow into our lives and try to think what reaping will result from it. Especially where our children are concerned.

I was preparing a talk for a MOPS group recently, when I thought of this principle again. As an older woman I am to teach good things. I have had some wonderful women who have sewn some fruit in my life in the past, and I have definitely reaped the benefits. I am grateful to the godly women at the churches we have attended who have taken the time to practice Titus 2. I realize that this is not always the case. I remember one young woman tell me she had been looking for older women to speak into her life, but they were no where to be found. I think there are a few reasons why that is true, but for me it is because 1) I didn't really consider myself an older woman and 2) I haven't arrived yet so far be it from me to think I had anything to say.  Unfortunately God doesn't give me an out like that, and I need to step up to the plate and ask God for wisdom and be available to sow into another's life. It is time for me to pass some of what I have learned on and not just to my own daughters. Afterall, at 49, I am now the older woman.

I narrowed it down to10 basic "good things" that I have applied to my life that I am now reaping the benefits of. When people ask me how I got such good children, I think they expect me to smile and say "I'm just lucky I guess." But I don't. It was consistency and purposeful parenting that got us to this point.  Nothing I am going to say is new or revolutionary. You have probably heard it all before. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of some truths and be encouraged to persevere.

Over the next few blogs I'm going to share with you the things we have sown into our children's lives and the benefits my husband and I have reaped and also some of the the consequences of not adhering to what we knew to be true. Yes, we grow weary sometimes and slip into auto pilot mode. Thankfully we have older children who hold us accountable and won't let us disengage.

For right now, I just want to encourage you to think about the things you sow into your life daily and what you might reap as a result. Will the result be that "her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband praises her."?

There is a first time for everything. Even a first time to blog.  And this is my first attempt. A young friend of mine, Morgan Gaunt, encouraged me to try the world of blogging to connect with other young mom's out there. You might be thinking I am another young stay at home mom who needs to connect with others who are going through what I am, but the truth is I am a forty something mom of 8 ages 25 to 10. Hence, the title "Been There Done That." My desire is to pass down what I know to those just starting on their journey or who might need help navigating these waters.

I firmly believe that we older women should be teaching the younger women some truths we have learned along the way. As my friend, Katie Luce, is fond of saying, "we should always be reaching up to the generation that went before us and reaching down to those that are coming behind us." A continuous chain of women supporting each other. Doesn't that sound good? In this day and age, we might not live near our mothers or grandmothers to receive the wisdom they can impart, or we might want the chance to learn to do things a little differently. I want to have a forum to answer parenting or marital questions and receive input from some one who has been there and done that.

Lest you think I might have forgotten what it was like to have babies and toddlers, I will just add that I currently have a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 month old under my care 8 or more hours a day. I also educate my children at home. I have since my oldest entered kindergarten in 1990, and I will continue until my youngest graduates from high school in 2018, Lord willing. And no, I don't have a degree in education. I have an English degree with a Business minor. I do believe that God gave me these children and He has equipped me to teach them at home. Has it always been easy? No!, but more about that in later blogs.

For now I just want to invite questions and comments. Let's dialogue about this adventure called parenting. Feel free to discuss marriage and home schooling too if you want. I am here because I have "been there done that."

Let the games begin.