Being the older woman

This past weekend I went to a Ladies Retreat that our church had planned. The theme was "Resting in Christ". What woman doesn't need to be reminded of that right? Besides learning what it meant to really rest in our Savior, we had the chance to play and talk together. I had the chance to come along some younger women and be the "older woman" helping them to figure out how to love their husbands and their children.

It was a little strange at times, yet oddly rewarding, to hear them refer to things I had said in the past or have them ask what I would do in a similar situation. But when one mother remarked something along the lines of wishing she could see my children misbehave because she doubted I'd ever had to discipline my children in public.   I realized that somehow she got the impression that I had never had to deal with some of the things she was dealing with. I knew then it was time to dredge up one of my "horror stories" of parenting.

I guess we all need to know we aren't alone in our struggles. Sure I would have preferred to have been thought of as the perfect parent with obedient children, but the truth is we are all sinners living in a fallen world. My children have driven me to my knees on more than one occasion or caused me to lift my hands in prayer right in the middle of their bickering and arguing. (Try it, it shuts them up because they don't know what to think and gets everyone's focus back on the Spirit within instead of the flesh without.) They have caused me to search the scripture to be able to combat the sin in our lives and to meditate on the law day and night. As parents we ask God for wisdom to train them up in the way we should go and seek forgiveness when we fall short. 

The good news is that if we are diligent and consistent when they are younger, it gets easier and more rewarding as they get older. Someone might even find it hard to believe that your kids ever misbehaved.

Respect vs Love

My husband and I do premarital counseling and beyond a doubt my favorite session ( besides the one on "sheet music') is the one where we talk about love and respect. I think it is because I like the reminder. It certainly doesn't come naturally for me to give my husband unconditional respect anymore than I suppose it comes naturally for him to love me unconditionally. And I think apart from the grace of God, I wouldn't be able to accomplish this feat.  I mean lots of times I don't even recognize that my attitude or words could be construed as disrespectful. That was especially true when we were first married.

I did a brave thing 15 years ago and asked my husband to let me know when he thought my words or actions were disrespectful. I also enlisted the help of my sisters. We had a code word that we would say that let each other know when we thought we were bordering on disrespect to our husbands in a public setting. I have also asked my girls to let me know when they think I am being disrespectful. That wasn't easy, and I had to fight the urge to defend myself or my actions. However, I knew that if I truly wanted to see progress I should be able to take feedback. Mistakes are only opportunities to learn if you let them motivate you to change.

In an attempt to understand the mind of men on this subject, I have read various books and attended some seminars. I even conducted my own impromptu poll. I asked random men, ages 18-21, if they had to choose between being loved and being respected which would they choose. Of course they all said they would like both, but if they had to make a choice they unanimously chose respect. Truthfully, I was a little surprised, but I shouldn't have been. After all, why would God command us to do something that wasn't that important. It really is something we need to give our time and attention to ladies.

In the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich, he talks about the crazy cycle that couples can get on when she feels unloved and retaliates with disrespect. He feels disrespected and withholds his love and so the cycle goes. It is interesting that we can choose to stop this cycle but more likely than not we won't because we want what we think is rightfully ours ( love or respect) and feel this is the way to get it. Sounds crazy huh? But I bet the next time you are in that crazy cycle you will try to justify your wrong response instead of getting off. The key to getting off the crazy cycle  is to recognize that our spouse is not the enemy and to remember who and what we battle. Mainly our flesh though sometimes Satan can be at fault. 



I wish I could say that I have perfected this area of my life,  but it isn't about perfection it is about progress.  I continue to read books and listen to wise counsel because my desire is to please God and He has asked me to respect my husband. That is the bottom line. Fortunately, I have a husband who is worthy of my respect and the more I have unconditionally respected him the more he has endeavored to deserve my respect. It is one of the many paradoxes of our faith.

If you are looking for some good books to read I would recommend For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl, Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson and the above mentioned Love and Respect.

Remember, it isn't about perfection it is about progress. Sow some unconditional respect into your husbands life and let me know what you reap.