When John and I were first married we went to a seminar that talked about the dangers of having expectations of your spouse. The advice that followed was to not have any expectations at all. I tried laying down my expectations. You know what I eventually discovered? We all have expectations. Even Christ has expectations of every believer. "If you love me you will obey me", sound familiar? The difference is He clearly spells them out for us. So my advice is not to do away with your expectations but to let them be known.
We have been conditioned to think that telling our spouse what we expect some how diminishes the romance of it all, but I say unmet expectations diminish it more. We don't have any trouble letting our children know our expectations, yet we want our spouses to intuitively know what they are. Not very realistic is it. If it is a choice between no expectations at all or simply letting my husband know what I want, I choose the latter every time. How many times have you wished the clothes would be put away or the dishwasher loaded when you got home only to find the task undone. A physical reaction then occurs in your body that actually keeps you from communicating effectively with your spouse the next time you talk, and a fight can even result. All because you had expectations your husband knew nothing about.
I am not talking about demands here, I am talking about how you wish something would workout and the part they play in that. Let me give you an example. This last weekend John and I had an opportunity to go to Oklahoma. A couple we had been counseling was getting married and John was performing the ceremony. We decided to make the trip our 26th wedding anniversary celebration also. John wisely asked on our journey what my expectations for the weekend were. I told him how much I was looking forward to sleeping in, and how I wanted to not spend any money on eating out but to use the gift cards we had received instead. He talked about how he expected to take care of the license issue at the courthouse, finish our last counseling session on "Sheet Music" with the couple and possibly knock out some of his reading and writing assignments for his Counseling class. How sad would it have been if John had not asked what I expected and I had not known of the demands on his time. He would have been held hostage to expectations he didn't even know existed and our weekend would have been a disappointment instead of the wonderfully relaxing time it was. And guess what? He still had the opportunity to go above and beyond my expectations, which he did, creating an even more memorable time. But he could have never attempted that if he didn't know what my expectations were to begin with. I have found that letting your expectations be known is very freeing. If your expectations are unrealistic that can be dealt with upfront. Your spouse is then set up to win and not held prisoner to unknown expectations.
Discuss your expectations with your spouse and listen to theirs. If you would really like to see something done, let them know, in a sweet manner, how much it would mean to you. Once you get in the habit of asking upfront what they expect, you'll experience true freedom and pleasure in trying to meet their desires. Our relationships should always reflect a healthy give/take balance. Try making your expectations known and making it a priority to meet your spouses. It beats having unmet expectations or keeping your husband locked in a prison of your own making.
