Traditions

I think traditions are important. Why? Because they identify us as part of a group. We all have a need to belong, to be cherished for who we are and to remain a part of something bigger than ourselves. That is what healthy traditions do for our family. Christmas season is loaded with traditions that unite our family.

I recently overheard my children discussing the things that make Christmas special to them. We celebrate Christ birth with some special traditions that identify us as a family unit. They take comfort in these simple acts. I think they will be more important than ever this year as we face the season unemployed and uncertain of the future as a family.

One of the things we do every year that they look forward to is getting a new ornament. Each year I give each of my children an ornament with the idea that they will have a unique set of ornaments when they leave our home. I usually buy them at after Christmas sales so I have had them for an entire year before I give them out. Sometimes I make them. Three years ago we boxed up Kelleigh's ornaments and now they decorate her family's tree. Each year the ornaments evoke a different memory as it is unwrapped and hung on the tree. Like the Redskins keepsake ornaments that they got for their first Christmas in Dallas territory. Can't have them forgetting their roots or their team loyalty.

Christmas 2009

Prisoner of Unmet Expectations

When John and I were first married we went to a seminar that talked about the dangers of having expectations of your spouse.  The advice that followed was to not have any expectations at all. I tried laying down my expectations. You know what I eventually discovered?  We all have expectations. Even Christ has expectations of every believer. "If you love me you will obey me", sound familiar? The difference is He clearly spells them out for us. So my advice is not to do away with your expectations but to let them be known. 

We have been conditioned to think that telling our spouse what we expect some how diminishes the romance of it all, but I say unmet expectations diminish it more. We don't have any trouble letting our children know our expectations, yet we want our spouses to intuitively know what they are. Not very realistic is it. If it is a choice between no expectations at all or simply letting my husband know what I want, I choose the latter every time. How many times have you wished the clothes would be put away or the dishwasher loaded when you got home only to find the task undone. A physical reaction then occurs in your body that actually keeps you from communicating effectively with your spouse the next time you talk, and a fight can even result. All because you had expectations your husband knew nothing about.

I am not talking about demands here, I am talking about how you wish something would workout and the part they play in that. Let me give you an example. This last weekend John and I had an opportunity to go to Oklahoma. A couple we had been counseling was getting married and John was performing the ceremony. We decided to make the trip our 26th wedding anniversary celebration also. John wisely asked on our journey what my expectations for the weekend were. I told him how much I was looking forward to sleeping in, and how I wanted to not spend any money on eating out but to use the gift cards we had received instead. He talked about how he expected to take care of the license issue at the courthouse, finish our last counseling session on "Sheet Music" with the couple and possibly knock out some of his reading and writing assignments for his Counseling class. How sad would it have been if John had not asked what I expected and I had not known of the demands on his time. He would have been held hostage to expectations he didn't even know existed and our weekend would have been a disappointment instead of the wonderfully relaxing time it was. And guess what? He still had the opportunity to go above and beyond my expectations, which he did, creating an even more memorable time. But he could have never attempted that if he didn't know what my expectations were to begin with. I have found that letting your expectations be known is very freeing. If your expectations are unrealistic that can be dealt with upfront. Your spouse is then set up to win and not held prisoner to unknown expectations.

Discuss your expectations with your spouse and listen to theirs. If you would really like to see something done, let them know, in a sweet manner, how much it would mean to you. Once you get in the habit of asking upfront what they expect, you'll experience true freedom and pleasure in trying to meet their desires.  Our relationships should always reflect a healthy give/take balance. Try making your expectations known and making it a priority to meet your spouses. It beats having unmet expectations or keeping your husband locked in a prison of your own making.

Being the older woman

This past weekend I went to a Ladies Retreat that our church had planned. The theme was "Resting in Christ". What woman doesn't need to be reminded of that right? Besides learning what it meant to really rest in our Savior, we had the chance to play and talk together. I had the chance to come along some younger women and be the "older woman" helping them to figure out how to love their husbands and their children.

It was a little strange at times, yet oddly rewarding, to hear them refer to things I had said in the past or have them ask what I would do in a similar situation. But when one mother remarked something along the lines of wishing she could see my children misbehave because she doubted I'd ever had to discipline my children in public.   I realized that somehow she got the impression that I had never had to deal with some of the things she was dealing with. I knew then it was time to dredge up one of my "horror stories" of parenting.

I guess we all need to know we aren't alone in our struggles. Sure I would have preferred to have been thought of as the perfect parent with obedient children, but the truth is we are all sinners living in a fallen world. My children have driven me to my knees on more than one occasion or caused me to lift my hands in prayer right in the middle of their bickering and arguing. (Try it, it shuts them up because they don't know what to think and gets everyone's focus back on the Spirit within instead of the flesh without.) They have caused me to search the scripture to be able to combat the sin in our lives and to meditate on the law day and night. As parents we ask God for wisdom to train them up in the way we should go and seek forgiveness when we fall short. 

The good news is that if we are diligent and consistent when they are younger, it gets easier and more rewarding as they get older. Someone might even find it hard to believe that your kids ever misbehaved.

Respect vs Love

My husband and I do premarital counseling and beyond a doubt my favorite session ( besides the one on "sheet music') is the one where we talk about love and respect. I think it is because I like the reminder. It certainly doesn't come naturally for me to give my husband unconditional respect anymore than I suppose it comes naturally for him to love me unconditionally. And I think apart from the grace of God, I wouldn't be able to accomplish this feat.  I mean lots of times I don't even recognize that my attitude or words could be construed as disrespectful. That was especially true when we were first married.

I did a brave thing 15 years ago and asked my husband to let me know when he thought my words or actions were disrespectful. I also enlisted the help of my sisters. We had a code word that we would say that let each other know when we thought we were bordering on disrespect to our husbands in a public setting. I have also asked my girls to let me know when they think I am being disrespectful. That wasn't easy, and I had to fight the urge to defend myself or my actions. However, I knew that if I truly wanted to see progress I should be able to take feedback. Mistakes are only opportunities to learn if you let them motivate you to change.

In an attempt to understand the mind of men on this subject, I have read various books and attended some seminars. I even conducted my own impromptu poll. I asked random men, ages 18-21, if they had to choose between being loved and being respected which would they choose. Of course they all said they would like both, but if they had to make a choice they unanimously chose respect. Truthfully, I was a little surprised, but I shouldn't have been. After all, why would God command us to do something that wasn't that important. It really is something we need to give our time and attention to ladies.

In the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich, he talks about the crazy cycle that couples can get on when she feels unloved and retaliates with disrespect. He feels disrespected and withholds his love and so the cycle goes. It is interesting that we can choose to stop this cycle but more likely than not we won't because we want what we think is rightfully ours ( love or respect) and feel this is the way to get it. Sounds crazy huh? But I bet the next time you are in that crazy cycle you will try to justify your wrong response instead of getting off. The key to getting off the crazy cycle  is to recognize that our spouse is not the enemy and to remember who and what we battle. Mainly our flesh though sometimes Satan can be at fault. 



I wish I could say that I have perfected this area of my life,  but it isn't about perfection it is about progress.  I continue to read books and listen to wise counsel because my desire is to please God and He has asked me to respect my husband. That is the bottom line. Fortunately, I have a husband who is worthy of my respect and the more I have unconditionally respected him the more he has endeavored to deserve my respect. It is one of the many paradoxes of our faith.

If you are looking for some good books to read I would recommend For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl, Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson and the above mentioned Love and Respect.

Remember, it isn't about perfection it is about progress. Sow some unconditional respect into your husbands life and let me know what you reap.

Family Altar

I know it sounds very "christianese" to talk about having a family worship time. Most of us just nod our heads in assent when asked if we are having family worship, too afraid to admit we don't see how it works or even why it might be necessary. After all, don't we sit in church for hours on Sunday morning and maybe even Wednesday evenings listening to the word of God? Aren't our children hearing all the Bible stories during Sunday school hours? We don't want to bore them do we? And besides that, who has an extra hour in their day to read from the Bible aloud while our children wiggle around or complain. Honestly, we are all  too tired, and it can be too much of a struggle to get your children to listen quietly without the television being involved. Well, I am here to tell you it can be done, and it should be done.

First of all it is commanded in Scripture. It is the father's role to teach the scriptures to their children and to wash their wives with the reading of the word. Check out Deut. 6 and Eph 5:26. That settles the why, now for the how. Let me tell you a little secret, it doesn't have to be dry or boring, and your kids don't have to sit still the entire time either.

Our family worship times have looked different depending on the different seasons of our family's life. When the kids were little we would let them sit on the floor or at the table with coloring books and crayons while Dad read from the Bible and asked age appropriate questions. We gave lots of praise for the kind of behavior we wanted and not too much attention to the negative. We wanted this to be something they wanted to participate in not something they were forced to endure. As they grew we centered family worship around dessert time. I would serve dessert and John would read. There were many times when we shared reading responsibilities. Our first graders especially liked when they could be trusted with the reading of the word.we have read through the entire Bible together as a family. We have read through many books besides the Bible during our family worship too. Once we had more adult children (I know that is an oxymoron but I can't think of a better term). John found it encouraging to read John Piper aloud together and discuss it, also C.S. Lewis and Randy Alcorn to name a few. By that time our children were feasting on the word daily for themselves and our family worship time became more about refining their worldview. My point is this. Family worship time is about your family doing things that strengthen them in the word. It can look however you want it to and be whenever you want it to be.

My caution is this, wives your role in this is one of support not domination. We can so easily squelch a man's desire to lead his family with one negative word or nagging. How sad for us that we emasculate our husbands in order to see things done right or done our way.  I learned this lesson the hard way when I was a young wife. It is amazing how one critical word can keep our husbands from even attempting to lead. Your children will learn just as much from watching you respect your husband (or disrespect as the case may be) than they will from what they hear read to them, especially when they are young. Give your husband the freedom to lead and sit back and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be perfect or the way someone else is doing it, it should be done though.

Sow worship time into your family's life and reap a closeness that will stay with your family through the ages.

Creating a Purpose Statement.

I read a book when I was a young mother called "Manager's of Their Homes". I liked that. Manger of my home sounded so much better than stay at home mom. Aside from the title though, I realized that the author was right. A great many of the strengths a manager employs in the work world I now use at home. From that book and others, I have learned to manage and make the most of my days and not let the day primarily dictate to me.



Several years back John and I decided to take this concept one step further. We decided to write a purpose statement for our family. We had always believed in giving our children individual purpose, casting vision and being purposeful in our parenting, but we had never written an actual purpose statement. By this time our children were older so we got them all involved in the process. It took a few rewrites, but we finally came up with something on which we could all agree. Obvious benefits were derived right away from having a written purpose statement for our family.


The first benefit was that it gave us a common bond. We want to do whatever we can to strengthen the family unit. We had vision and a common goal in writing. We were all walking together toward our purpose. It strengthened the integrity of our family. Not to mention that it was fun just brainstorming and listening to their hearts during the process.

The second benefit is that it helped us to say no to "good" things. That may sound strange, but as a Christian family we get asked to do many"good" things: be in the choir, serve on the nursery committee, teach Sunday School etc. You get the picture. I said yes to way more things than I should have always feeling guilty for even wanting to decline. Now, I just refer to our purpose statement, and if it doesn't further it, I feel right in saying no so that I can say yes to the things that do line up with our purpose statement.

Finally, it helped me in the training of my children. When my children sometimes lost their focus, I could point back to our purpose statement and help them see why we do the things we do. Ultimately, I like to use scripture for this purpose but having the purpose statement helps me with those "others can but we can not times."

I would encourage you to think about making a purpose statement for your family no matter what stage of the journey you are in. It is never to early, or late, to have a purpose.

I was asked to put our family's purpose statement on here.

Bushnell Family Purpose Statement

The purpose of our family is to live our lives in such a way that we would inspire others to catch a vision of a God centered faith that is passed down from generation to generation. To challenge fathers and mothers to capture the hearts of their children and to turn the hearts of the children towards their parents through purposeful interaction within the family and by encouraging families to be involved in missions both at home and abroad.

Sow Quality Time with Your Spouse and Reap Secure Children

Ever have a child scream when you leave and dissolve into hysterics? Ever have a child that refuses to sleep in their own bed? Ever wonder what you did to bring this on? There is a theory that a child's security issues can stem from how much quality time, or lack there of, that you have with your spouse. I didn't believe it the first time I read it either. That was back in 1996 when Olivia was 20 months old and getting out of her bed every night to sleep on our floor. We left a sleeping bag on the floor just for that purpose. I was pregnant with our 6th at the time I heard about this theory, and I was desperate to try anything that might keep her in bed and more time with my husband didn't sound like such a bad idea either.

John and I had enrolled in a class called Growing Kid's God's Way and the first few lessons all centered around the solid foundation of your marriage. They introduced this concept called "couch time".  Basically it is when you set aside a time shortly after your husband first gets home where he devotes all his attention to you and you him. The dad greets the children, gives them love and then informs them he is going to spend some time talking to mommy, and they should go play quietly and then he will spend some time with them. If the children interrupt, there should be consequences so they will get the idea that this is an important time for mom and dad. They shared testimonies of how children started sleeping through the night and stopped throwing fits when their parents left. I was sold. John and I determined to give it a try. Now we had fairly obedient children, so I really didn't think  we would have a problem, but what I didn't count on was how possessive my children had become of their father's immediate attention. John did a lot of disciplining those first few weeks, but eventually they got the idea. And guess what else, I wasn't used to having my husband's undivided attention when he first walked through the door. At first I couldn't think of what to say, and our time seemed awkward and stilted. Good thing we had people holding us accountable, and we kept having "couch time" (although it took place at the kitchen bar). I learned to be purposeful in my conversation with my husband and not just reactive to circumstances. My children also learned that the world didn't revolve around them and surprisingly Olivia started sleeping in her own bed. She still had separation issues when we left her for a date night. Those continued until she was 3. However, none of the other children ever experienced them.  Sometimes it is just part of their personality to be a little more apprehensive, but we didn't cater to it, and she eventually learned how to comfort herself. I knew I was leaving her in good hands so I didn't stress about it. Although, I did feel sorry for some of my sitters.

So that said, the first "good thing" I would like to teach you is to make sure you have time with your spouse daily with an occasional date night thrown in for good measure. Learn to really talk to your spouse like you did when you were pursuing each other. It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes, but it should be when the children are awake, and it should be pretty soon after his arrival home. Now I can just imagine some of you saying, "but my child is too young to be left unattended." Give them something to do within your eye sight or if really little put them in a confined space ( i.e. crib) for the few minutes you have set aside. Keep in mind what you are hoping to reap from this, and it will make it easier to leave them. Your child is not going to be hurt, but surprisingly they will be helped. All I can say is it works, and I am not the only one who has tried it with success. Your children will be more secure because the foundation of your marriage will be growing stronger through the effort you put into it.

Recently I had a group of young women make a list of questions they wanted me to answer the next time we sat down to dialogue.  This particular group always challenges me and gets me thinking. One of the questions on that list was what principles do I live by. Good question. One of the main principles that governs my life is the principle of sowing and reaping. John and I are very careful about what we sow into our lives and try to think what reaping will result from it. Especially where our children are concerned.

I was preparing a talk for a MOPS group recently, when I thought of this principle again. As an older woman I am to teach good things. I have had some wonderful women who have sewn some fruit in my life in the past, and I have definitely reaped the benefits. I am grateful to the godly women at the churches we have attended who have taken the time to practice Titus 2. I realize that this is not always the case. I remember one young woman tell me she had been looking for older women to speak into her life, but they were no where to be found. I think there are a few reasons why that is true, but for me it is because 1) I didn't really consider myself an older woman and 2) I haven't arrived yet so far be it from me to think I had anything to say.  Unfortunately God doesn't give me an out like that, and I need to step up to the plate and ask God for wisdom and be available to sow into another's life. It is time for me to pass some of what I have learned on and not just to my own daughters. Afterall, at 49, I am now the older woman.

I narrowed it down to10 basic "good things" that I have applied to my life that I am now reaping the benefits of. When people ask me how I got such good children, I think they expect me to smile and say "I'm just lucky I guess." But I don't. It was consistency and purposeful parenting that got us to this point.  Nothing I am going to say is new or revolutionary. You have probably heard it all before. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of some truths and be encouraged to persevere.

Over the next few blogs I'm going to share with you the things we have sown into our children's lives and the benefits my husband and I have reaped and also some of the the consequences of not adhering to what we knew to be true. Yes, we grow weary sometimes and slip into auto pilot mode. Thankfully we have older children who hold us accountable and won't let us disengage.

For right now, I just want to encourage you to think about the things you sow into your life daily and what you might reap as a result. Will the result be that "her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband praises her."?

There is a first time for everything. Even a first time to blog.  And this is my first attempt. A young friend of mine, Morgan Gaunt, encouraged me to try the world of blogging to connect with other young mom's out there. You might be thinking I am another young stay at home mom who needs to connect with others who are going through what I am, but the truth is I am a forty something mom of 8 ages 25 to 10. Hence, the title "Been There Done That." My desire is to pass down what I know to those just starting on their journey or who might need help navigating these waters.

I firmly believe that we older women should be teaching the younger women some truths we have learned along the way. As my friend, Katie Luce, is fond of saying, "we should always be reaching up to the generation that went before us and reaching down to those that are coming behind us." A continuous chain of women supporting each other. Doesn't that sound good? In this day and age, we might not live near our mothers or grandmothers to receive the wisdom they can impart, or we might want the chance to learn to do things a little differently. I want to have a forum to answer parenting or marital questions and receive input from some one who has been there and done that.

Lest you think I might have forgotten what it was like to have babies and toddlers, I will just add that I currently have a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 month old under my care 8 or more hours a day. I also educate my children at home. I have since my oldest entered kindergarten in 1990, and I will continue until my youngest graduates from high school in 2018, Lord willing. And no, I don't have a degree in education. I have an English degree with a Business minor. I do believe that God gave me these children and He has equipped me to teach them at home. Has it always been easy? No!, but more about that in later blogs.

For now I just want to invite questions and comments. Let's dialogue about this adventure called parenting. Feel free to discuss marriage and home schooling too if you want. I am here because I have "been there done that."

Let the games begin.