Sow Quality Time with Your Spouse and Reap Secure Children

Ever have a child scream when you leave and dissolve into hysterics? Ever have a child that refuses to sleep in their own bed? Ever wonder what you did to bring this on? There is a theory that a child's security issues can stem from how much quality time, or lack there of, that you have with your spouse. I didn't believe it the first time I read it either. That was back in 1996 when Olivia was 20 months old and getting out of her bed every night to sleep on our floor. We left a sleeping bag on the floor just for that purpose. I was pregnant with our 6th at the time I heard about this theory, and I was desperate to try anything that might keep her in bed and more time with my husband didn't sound like such a bad idea either.

John and I had enrolled in a class called Growing Kid's God's Way and the first few lessons all centered around the solid foundation of your marriage. They introduced this concept called "couch time".  Basically it is when you set aside a time shortly after your husband first gets home where he devotes all his attention to you and you him. The dad greets the children, gives them love and then informs them he is going to spend some time talking to mommy, and they should go play quietly and then he will spend some time with them. If the children interrupt, there should be consequences so they will get the idea that this is an important time for mom and dad. They shared testimonies of how children started sleeping through the night and stopped throwing fits when their parents left. I was sold. John and I determined to give it a try. Now we had fairly obedient children, so I really didn't think  we would have a problem, but what I didn't count on was how possessive my children had become of their father's immediate attention. John did a lot of disciplining those first few weeks, but eventually they got the idea. And guess what else, I wasn't used to having my husband's undivided attention when he first walked through the door. At first I couldn't think of what to say, and our time seemed awkward and stilted. Good thing we had people holding us accountable, and we kept having "couch time" (although it took place at the kitchen bar). I learned to be purposeful in my conversation with my husband and not just reactive to circumstances. My children also learned that the world didn't revolve around them and surprisingly Olivia started sleeping in her own bed. She still had separation issues when we left her for a date night. Those continued until she was 3. However, none of the other children ever experienced them.  Sometimes it is just part of their personality to be a little more apprehensive, but we didn't cater to it, and she eventually learned how to comfort herself. I knew I was leaving her in good hands so I didn't stress about it. Although, I did feel sorry for some of my sitters.

So that said, the first "good thing" I would like to teach you is to make sure you have time with your spouse daily with an occasional date night thrown in for good measure. Learn to really talk to your spouse like you did when you were pursuing each other. It doesn't have to be more than a few minutes, but it should be when the children are awake, and it should be pretty soon after his arrival home. Now I can just imagine some of you saying, "but my child is too young to be left unattended." Give them something to do within your eye sight or if really little put them in a confined space ( i.e. crib) for the few minutes you have set aside. Keep in mind what you are hoping to reap from this, and it will make it easier to leave them. Your child is not going to be hurt, but surprisingly they will be helped. All I can say is it works, and I am not the only one who has tried it with success. Your children will be more secure because the foundation of your marriage will be growing stronger through the effort you put into it.